for every (: i send, i'm thinking of you.
Mon Remembered Angels on Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 09:34 a.m. _______________________
you want to know what i think deep down?
i think, deep down, i'm probably not the one you are looking for. not at all.
that's what hurts the most.
for me, tears are there, not always because i'm sad, but mostly out of fear.
I fear the dark, sudden noises, loud voices directed at me, of things that i cant do well in, of disappointing people, of losing people that i cannot lose.
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, January 4, 2010 at 11:58 p.m. _______________________
sometimes i want to hear something else instead.
sigh.
i dunno what i want now.
Mon Remembered Angels on Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 12:29 p.m. _______________________
blogging on insanejournal. not sure who's reading this anymore.
the reason why i blogged here, when i know there was a chance of people i know stumbling onto this site, was because i liked the fuss-free posting,
Mon Remembered Angels on Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 01:00 a.m. _______________________
am awake.
took a long shower to calm down. the scalding hot water helped, and i think i'm a bit more clear-headed now.
not going for lecture tomorrow. i wont be missing anything important, since the papers are over, and the chapter for today, i think it's self-taught-able.
not a problem for someone like me, who learns best when left to own devices, given enough time.
cause i'm mr brightside.
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 05:52 a.m. _______________________
sometimes, i think i'm damn screwed up and i know that i'm not really like that but i dunno why everything turns out like that and my head and heart hurts and all i want is for things to slow down so that i can see what i need to see, stop and smell the roses, live like i ought to be living.
utterly miserable.
stomach you are betraying me.
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 05:13 a.m. _______________________
indifference.
anyway, another Black Friday. what would the thirteenth be?
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 04:33 a.m. _______________________
でも、ひとりでたべる 意味がない。
Mon Remembered Angels on Tuesday, November 10, 2009 at 05:33 a.m. _______________________
フランス語、どうして こんなにむずかしいですか！ テストのとき、全部忘れてしまった！
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, November 9, 2009 at 09:38 p.m. _______________________
ぜんぜんおぼえてないから。
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, November 9, 2009 at 04:07 p.m. _______________________
feels a bit lonely.
Hmmm i guess i've always been surrounded by my friends, i was never really anti-social. And even at the times when i thought I didnt need to have these people around, they were always still there, waiting for me to join them if i ever wanted to. So to be totally honest, I think i had awesome friends. It's just that in this year, everyone is really on their own separate ways, and even if i want us all to stick together like we did before, it's not very possible. Even though we are all in this planet, it's not possible. Even if we are in the same country, it's still not possible; after all, we are all bound to our jobs/studies/army. Even if we are in the same school, it's STILL not possible. There are always new groups around, new cliques, new bonds formed, old ones forgotten or even broken. Many of the bonds I thought would stand all trials and tribulations and time and what-not are on the verge of breaking.
well, i guess I could try (desperately) to tape and hold everything back together. But then for some of these bonds, I wonder if it's worth the effort.
After all, it takes two hands to clap. If i'm the only one trying, then it still won't work out; the tape will not hold.
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, November 6, 2009 at 07:01 p.m. _______________________
it's okay, because we need to get our priorities right.
but it still doesnt help, even when we know this is rational.
different in the flesh.
Mon Remembered Angels on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 11:56 p.m. _______________________
i am freaking sick of myself.
and i'm starting to feel that people around me are sick of me too.
fark stop emo-ing. too much self-pity. or something.
Mon Remembered Angels on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 04:31 a.m. _______________________
fuck, i did it again. dammit.
Mon Remembered Angels on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 03:40 a.m. _______________________
schuldig.
Mon Remembered Angels on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 06:55 p.m. _______________________
a green streak lies within.
barely seen, almost unnoticeable, but still there.
Tu me manques.
Mon Remembered Angels on Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 09:57 p.m. _______________________
it's just really really saddening sometimes.
Mon Remembered Angels on Thursday, October 15, 2009 at 12:01 a.m. _______________________
yesterday, i dreamt.
of peaceful days, of soft breezes, and
unlimited blue skies.
green pastures,
rabbits underfoot,
otters in the stream,
white ripples on the bank.
only i was there, and
night fell.
maybe it was loneliness, that painted the picture
ebony black.
Mon Remembered Angels on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 02:44 a.m. _______________________
sometimes, just sometimes, i fear and wish someone was here with me. but then i know that sometimes, my fears shouldn't qualify as fears. and i know that sometimes, i have to be alone and face whatever it is myself.
but it's still lonely. and i still fear.
talking rubbish again, wtf.
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, October 9, 2009 at 02:38 a.m. _______________________
why do i try picking up the broken pieces,
why do i try placing them together again,
when i know they won't fit like before,
nothing will ever be the same again.
why do i bother trying so hard,
when all i seem to get,
are indifferent replies,
or outright denials and lies.
when will this end,
this year, next spring,
in an eternity, maybe never.
why do i try picking up the broken pieces,
when all i want to do is
cry.
Mon Remembered Angels on Saturday, October 3, 2009 at 11:14 p.m. _______________________
dammit, i said no more scars!
no more pain,
no more angst,
no more silvery white lines in crimson ink.
i'll hold myself to that.
just, no more voices in my head, please.
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, September 28, 2009 at 12:08 a.m. _______________________
fark it.
wake up, you picked your bed, now lie in it.
get your work done, there's a deadline for a reason.
but then I really don't know how.
argh need to stop beating myself up for shit.
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, September 21, 2009 at 04:01 p.m. _______________________
smells fear off herself.
Mon Remembered Angels on Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 06:20 p.m. _______________________
sigh. everyone's leaving.
i only hope you don't leave me too.
Mon Remembered Angels on Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 02:28 a.m. _______________________
All or Nothing. Now or Never.
Good song KT.
stunned. confused. there's an annoying nagging feeling i can't get rid of.
What would tomorrow bring?
Mon Remembered Angels on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 at 01:47 a.m. _______________________
i always wonder if someone will actually really believe all the stuff i say.
so do you believe me? don't think so.
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, September 7, 2009 at 04:40 a.m. _______________________
confused.
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, September 4, 2009 at 03:55 a.m. _______________________
had a great birthday this year.
thanks you guys. for remembering and making a great deal out of it. surprises, treats, fun. it's one that i won't forget.
although i really wonder if i deserve all these; it's too good to be true.
Mon Remembered Angels on Friday, August 28, 2009 at 01:21 a.m. _______________________
Sometimes I think I'm trying to kill myself.
Mon Remembered Angels on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 08:21 p.m. _______________________
where are you when i need you?
sigh.
Mon Remembered Angels on Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 10:22 p.m. _______________________
sometimes when i read my friends page, i think i'm a really lousy friend for not understanding and helping everyone like a good friend should be doing.
But then I don't know how to go about doing all that and staying alive at the same time.
Mon Remembered Angels on Sunday, July 26, 2009 at 12:56 p.m. _______________________
it's the last stretch of waiting.
oh lord i dont think i can handle rejection a second time.
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, May 25, 2009 at 01:16 a.m. _______________________
you've made it through A levels, you can definitely make it through something as small as this.
and you can do this without scars.
Mon Remembered Angels on Monday, May 4, 2009 at 11:48 a.m. _______________________
i hate the fact that there will forever be comparisons, that the world will not stop to think if they are judging fairly, or if there is even a need to judge. Why can't we live in a simple, appreciative world, where things like emotions and thoughts don't mess up and complicate and cause harm, sadness, fear, dread, anger and all things unpleasant and distasteful?
not that things are going to change, but just saying completely useless things here.
well, there's that interview and test coming up. I'm not sure which i dread more. But NUS, please take me in!
anyway the physical scars have faded, I dunno whether to be glad or not. sigh.
Mon Remembered Angels on Saturday, May 2, 2009 at 08:44 p.m. _______________________
the more i laugh, the sadder i feel.
Mon Remembered Angels on Tuesday, April 7, 2009 at 01:23 a.m. _______________________
Seriously?
what the fuck.
Mon Remembered Angels on Thursday, March 26, 2009 at 11:44 a.m. _______________________
because my presence makes no difference.
especially if i'm of no use to you people now.
it's kinda getting to me that a lot of my acquaintances that I consider as friends behave like that. It's like, I'm only contacted for questions, for this or that, only when I'm needed? And I kinda don't like that feeling.
I think it's because I expected them to think from my point of view, put themselves in my shoes, like I always do to try understanding them. And i can say I have been successful.
Well, humans are selfish.
Mon Remembered Angels on Sunday, March 22, 2009 at 12:43 a.m. _______________________
sometimes i wonder why i blog.
if i want the entry to be read, then why don't i just post it on public on LJ instead of here where no one comes anymore?
so I dont want it read. then why do i post here on pitas where the entries are open and anyone may still stumble upon?
so I dont really get myself. but that's okay. all i know now is that if i dont type something decent, i'm gonna end up moping until the start of school over NOTHING in particular.
and no, I'm not PMS-ing.
this just happens pretty often. it's like part of my character or something.
Well, i still havent decided what to go for in NUS, and hopefully the weekend will help. decided not to go for camp so that i can study and just pass the mock test. but i really need to find that motivation to study again. but it's kinda hard because i'm still worrying over the course thing. and the social thing. and the everybody everything thing. i dunno, i guess i'm thinking and worrying and considering too much. Maybe i should just stick to looking at things at face value. sometimes there really isnt that much behind it.
so this means more sleep, more rest, more energy, less sitting around and churning rubbish out of my head.
I need starbucks. seriously.
Mon Remembered Angels on Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:45 a.m. _______________________
if i dont make this post, i'll probably never get on in decision-making and in life.
it kinda just sunk in suddenly.
My A level results sucked. If I don't pick the right course, the right school, and make the right decisions, my entire university life is gonna suck.
To go for that course that i've been thinking of for ages or go for something more suitable for my grades? One is a course that i've been wanting to do for a while, but I know I'll probably kill myself studying it. The good thing is, if i need help I know I'll have a lot of people backing me up. But for the other course, I'll probably do not so bad in it, because it involves the subject that I will not fail at. But it bugs me that I'll never have the right circle that I want to mix in.
For some reason I don't feel like I'm not getting the help I need.
And to stay in hostel or not. The halls are damn active and demand a lot of time and there's required participation in CCAs and activities and stuff like that. Even though I think my mum thinks the money is okay for me to stay in a single room in hall, I think I would prefer a non-air-conditioned student residence room instead. it's just because I'm not suitable for crazy and active stuff. I know that means a smaller circle of friends, but I think I'll enjoy the quiet.
It's like now, anyway.
I don't know if I can handle it.
being like the sky, become the sky, am like the sky.
My first post in 2009 on pitas, and it's this depressing.
Mon Remembered Angels on Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 03:16 p.m. _______________________